I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
