I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize