How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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