Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize