Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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