Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
