And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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