I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
