Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize