So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize