rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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