Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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