I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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