she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
