I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
