just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
