I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
