dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
