Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
