so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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