The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
