You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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