Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
