i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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