Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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