Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
