I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
