you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
