I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
