Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
