Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
