you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
