Girls should come with a carfax report
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
