mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
