Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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