my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
