Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
