Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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