I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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