do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
