I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize