My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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