at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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