i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
