How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
