when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize