I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
