I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
