we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
