I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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