he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
