Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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