I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
