my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
