I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
