So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
