I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
