Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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