I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
