remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
