I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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