The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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