I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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